


If I Had You Here

by Deannie



Series: Dear Love [2]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama/Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1997-05-15
Updated: 1997-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-11 06:00:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deannie/pseuds/Deannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A companion's longing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Had You Here

DISCLAIMER: If I owned J&B, I'd be a wealthy girl . Alas, Pet Fly and UPN own them instead. I just take them out and play with them occasionally. 

RATING: PG-13, angst 

NOTE: This is the second story in the "Dear Love" series, the series that started with Just Because I'm Not There. And this one isn't what you think... 

THANKS: To everyone who's written me--both about I'm Not There and about Deprivation. You guys are wonderful! 

## If I Had You Here

by Dean Warner  


DAY 1 

The loft is empty. The furniture is still here, the books, the knickknacks we've collected during our years together. But you're gone, so it's empty. 

I miss you, Love. I'm sitting here on the couch, wanting to feel your warmth next to me, but all I feel is cold. I haven't been warm since last night. Not since you told me that you would be right back. 

You didn't lie, so don't worry, I'm not mad. No, that's wrong. I'm not mad you *said* you'd be right back, but I *am* mad that you were wrong. 

God. How could I have let you do that? How could I not have known that we were in the wrong place, at the wrong time... 

I've never heard you scream like that. I never want to again. 

It's funny, but as I sit here, trying to figure out what I'm feeling, I remember the first time we made love. Stupid, isn't it? After what's happened in the last twelve hours, I can't imagine that I'd actually have the gall to think of sex... 

But you make me think of loving you. And the thoughts only make me miss you more. 

That first time, after the Matthews case, I was so sure that you'd push me away. I couldn't help myself, though. Honestly. You were so upset, and I just... needed to let you know that I loved you. I needed you to know that you *weren't* just "disposable people." 

Though I feel a little disposable now. 

Can you remember that night? Can you ever know just how amazing it was when you took me on the stairs? We tried to get to the bed--it's almost funny now, how hard we tried--but I couldn't wait. And you obliged--as always. 

You've given me everything I've ever wanted, Love, and I don't think I say this often enough, but I can't imagine living without you. I know now that if you die tonight, I'll go with you. I don't know how, exactly, but I do know that I would never want to live without you. 

And I'm talking crap here, aren't I? Because you're *not* going to die. I have to believe that. I know Simon does. I'll have to thank him in the morning. He stayed with me while you were in surgery, and took me home when they told me I couldn't see you yet. 

ICU. You *would* have to end up there, wouldn't you? You know their policy? One visitor, once an hour, for ten fucking minutes. It wouldn't matter if we *were* married, Love. They wouldn't change the rules just for us. 

Which is weird, because everyone else has. You should have seen Simon. He had this look on his face. I remember when John's wife had that miscarriage, and Simon was the one who got the call that John was needed at the hospital? He got that same look. 

He's one of those people that I'd always thought would freak if he ever knew that one of his detective's was making love to his *male* observer and roommate. But he obviously knows we love each other, and I guess that means that nothing should stand in our way. 

I hope nothing does. I know I'll probably never let you read this, but I have to write it down right now. I want to pretend I'm talking to you, and this is the only way I know how to do it. 

I love you. I loved you long before the Matthews case, and I'll love you long after this horrible night is over. But if you die on me tonight, I swear, I'll kill you. 

I can't think about this anymore, Lover. I can't... I can't *wait* anymore. I want you home with me now! If I had you here with me right now, I'd make sure you *never* left me again. I can't live without you, and I'm afraid that tonight you might make me have to try... 

I have to stop now, Lover. I need to at least pretend to get some sleep. Simon has two guards at the door--okay, not guards, really. Ryf and Baxter. If I don't turn out the lights soon, Ryf is going to come in here and kick my butt. 

I think Simon probably ordered him to. Don't be mad, though. He only wants to make sure that Schiavelli doesn't come back and try to make it two for two. 

I don't even want him to make it one for one, you hear me, Jim? Ryf and Baxter are good, but they're sure as hell *not* my Blessed Protector. 

And don't worry, I'd never go to bed with either of them. Stop that! I can hear you laughing in my head! 

Okay, okay... I'll pretend to sleep tonight, and I'll dream of you. 

See you in the morning. I'm counting on you to be there. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

DAY 2 

I'm hoarse now. Even if I didn't feel the need to keep this stupid journal, I wouldn't be able to talk. Did you hear me? In the hospital today? 

Did you hear *Simon*?! Remember how I said they wouldn't change the rules for us, Lover? Well, they didn't--but they did change them for Simon. He blew up, and you know what that's like, right? Said I was your partner, and you needed me nearby if you were going to pull through. 

I was nearby for as long as they'd let me be, Jim... Please don't give up on me because they made me go home... 

They impounded the truck--again. I think that thing spends more time in the impound yard than in the garage. I'm okay, though. Please don't worry about me, okay? Schiavelli was already spooked by the time he started shooting at the truck, and you know how well that thing takes bullets.... 

I wanted you to know--again--how much I love you. If I say it enough times, maybe you'll understand that you just can't leave me now. It took us long enough to get here, and I couldn't live without you if you left. 

And Naomi would kill you if that happened. You know that, right? She'd find out who you were reincarnated as and she'd kill you. Don't waste this life and the next one just because you left me alone. 

Ryf and Brown are outside now. They came in for dinner a while ago, and they both wanted to know how you're doing. I got the rundown on your injuries from the doctor, and I told them all about it. 

I won't tell *you*, though. If I said it to you--if I wrote it down--it would make it all real. And I'm good at denial. Hell, I denied the fact that I loved you for two years, right? If I can do that, I can forget that the doctor said you had less than a fifty-fifty chance. 

She's wrong. You know that. She doesn't know you like I know you, and she doesn't know that all you have to do is cling to the fact that I'm here, and you'll make it. You're my Blessed Protector, Jim. Please don't ever leave me unprotected. 

Unprotected... Funny how everything today seems to lead my mind to sex. We'll have our test results back in a few weeks, Jim. If you're good, and they spring you from the hospital in time to heal up... We can celebrate. And I mean *really* celebrate. I know we'll both be clean. And I know that I'll never have anyone besides you, so you don't have to worry about that. 

Think of how much we'll save on condoms! 

I meant that, you know? Not the condom part, buddy... I'll never have anyone but you again. Ever. So now you have to come back. Can you imagine *me*, celibate for the rest of my life? You'd never do that to me, right? 

*I'm* going to do something for *you*. It's your favorite thing, I know. Okay... 

Picture me sitting on our bed. Naked. I'm taking two of my fingers into my mouth, and I can almost see the look on your face as I do it. You know, I think you like to see me jerk myself off almost as much as you like to do the deed for me. I'll never tell you that, but the look on your face when I do this is so... beautiful. 

My fingers are running up and down my cock, now. And I can feel the heat building. I know you can too--one of the undocumented perks of being a Sentinel, huh? If I had known about it when my thesis published, I'd've stuck in a footnote. 

If I had you here right now, I'd be just reaching out my other hand to you. I have to have you touching me, or none of the ecstasy ever seems real. As I start to build a rhythm, I have this... focus. You're the thing that keeps me hard, the thing that makes my climax so much more than it ever was before. 

Masturbation never meant that much to me. Until I could do it watching *you* watching me. 

I do this for you, Lover. Every time you see me come--every time I grip your hand so tightly that I'm afraid I'll break it--I want you to know that I do it all because I love you. I love to see that smile on your face. I don't know what it means, but I want to believe that it means you know all of this already. I want to believe that it means you know that I want to make you happy more than anything else in the world. 

And I want to believe that now, lying in that hospital, you know that I could never be happy again if you leave me. 

Don't leave, Lover. Please? You're different than other people--don't let the doctor make you believe the numbers. If you die, you know I'll die with you. At least, the important part of me will die. 

Don't do this to me, Jim.... 

Please? 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Day 7 

I *told* you! I *told* you that the doctor was wrong. I was there today, when you woke up for that first time. I'm sure you'll never remember it, but I took your hand in mine and I kissed your forehead. 

You're going to make it, Lover. You have to. 

They said you'll be mostly out for a while, and that's fine. I get a chance to write down all the things I didn't say in the last few days. I couldn't keep writing, Lover. I had so much to say, but none of it means anything if I can't say it to you. 

Should I give you this journal? When all of this hell is over? Would it make you feel good to know that I love you this much? 

You already know, don't you? I've never been able to hide anything from you, and that makes you so hot, doesn't it? You can tell when I'm horny, or when I need a cuddle, or when I have to get out before I burst... 

I remember the first time I realized that all my pining for you might not be in vain. It was just after that elevator fiasco at the Wilkenson Tower. I went to bed, too freaked on adrenaline, and I had a nightmare. 

You woke me from it, as a friend... But there was a light in your eyes. Jim, you have the most expressive eyes in the universe. They can say things that words don't even touch. 

And you looked at me with those eyes that said that you wanted me. I didn't want to believe it then, but I know now that that was what you meant. You wanted to feel me moving through you, and it was the first time I ever wondered what it would be like to fuck you... 

I have to admit that I'd *always* wondered what it would be like to be fucked *by* you. 

Okay, now I can't show you this journal. You'll laugh. But maybe, someday when we're old and grey, and we've both retired to Florida or something (Yes, Jim, we *are* retiring to a warmer climate. I've had to live these years in the cold, and I'm *going* to get you back for it.), someday, I'll give you this journal--my panic journal, and you'll know exactly how much I would have lost if you had left me this week. 

Thank you for staying, Lover... 

I want to ask you to stay forever, but I know you can't. At least try, okay? 

I love you.  
  


* * *

DAY 23 

Okay, if the loft isn't clean enough for you, than you can clean it yourself when you get home tonight. 

You're coming home! God, up until the last few days, I don't know that I ever *really* believed that that would happen. You were so weak for so long, and I spent all those hours at your bedside, just... 

Forget it! Past. That is the past. Tonight, we get to celebrate our future. 

I'm just sorry that it looks like we'll have to sleep in separate rooms for a while. I saw you get up and try to walk today--I'm sure you didn't see me. The nurse was good about it, but I think you nearly broke her shoulder leaning on her. 

The doctor said you can't do anything but rest for another week. She also took me aside and said I needed to let you sleep alone. She's afraid that, given how badly pain killers work for you, the motion of another body in the bed is only going to make it harder for you to recover. I know you heard that, because I could see the steam coming out of your ears from across the room. 

Don't worry, Lover... I can take the couch for a while. We'll have our time soon enough. 

All the time in the world... 

Simon's here to pick me up. We'll have you home in an hour, Jim. 

And I won't let you out of my sight again. 

Time to hide this thing. I'll give it to you when the time is right. 

Welcome home, Love. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

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